I'm going through some things right now, and I honest to God feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. And it's a damn lonely feeling.
Any shred of self-confidence I may have been getting back has been smashed. I spend a shameful amount of time berating myself, and I'm constantly taking personal inventory and further beating myself down. What's happened has set me so far back in how I feel about myself as a woman.
And I feel like I'm overreacting, I should just shut the hell up and get over it already. And I'm not really even angry anymore. But I'm just upset about how this has made me feel, and that I can't stop talking shit to myself.
I don't want to be distant and aloof, but I can't bring myself to be open and affectionate.
I feel violated, and I keep wondering what I did. What is it about me?
Ugh.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
A Music Meme
I've never done one of these, and I just now saw that a friend tagged me to do one. Normally I might not, but it's about music, so what the hell? Now, I can't insert little song clips or anything fun like that because I suck, so if you're interested, you'll have to look the artists up.
So I'm supposed to pick seven artists/songs/albums that I've featured in my life recently. I'm going to pick artists since there are probably 10 times as many songs than artists that I could fill this with:
1. The Kelly Deal 6000: You remember Kelly and Kim Deal from The Breeders? Yeah, it's that Kelly Deal. And her stuff is amazing. Some of it is haunting, some of it is fun. This girl can rock. If you rent the movie "May", her song "When He Calls Me Kitten" is featured on it. It's fractured and beautiful, featuring a de-tuned guitar. I also like "Brillo Hunt".
2. My Brightest Diamond: Shana Roberts is the frontwoman for this group, and she has a voice like no other. She studied opera, and it shows. She can go from operatic to squealing and rocking out in no time. I love "Magic Rabbit", "Dragonfly", and "Freak Out" (super fun dance around in your underwear song). This band has pretty much changed my life.
3. The Decemberists: I realize it's slightly dorky to love a band that does sea shanties and songs about whales. But almost all of their songs are stories. And they're amazing live. Colin's voice is amazing, and they feature quirky little things like accordians. Besides, who doesn't love a band where one of the members will do an a capella version of Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" whilst climbing over fallen drums and splayed out guitars after playing a two hour show? I love "Red Right Ankle", "Sons and Daughters", "And Here I Dreamt I Was an Architecht", "Yankee Bayonet", "California One Youth and Beauty Brigade". Hell, pick up any album, and the songs are great.
4. Mark Kozelek: Lead singer of Sun Kil Moon and Red House Painters. If you like sad, slow, autumnal music, you'll like him. "Metropol 47" and "Love at First Feel" are my favorites. Also, "Ocean Breathes Salty" by Sun Kil Moon is fantastic.
5. Mark Lanegan: Former front man of Screaming Trees and QOTSA member, his solo stuff is really amazing. The album "Bubblegum" in particular... it features PJ Harvey on a couple of songs. It's slow, sexy, and he has one of those whiskey and cigarettes voices. My favorite songs are "Methamphetamine Blues," "100 Days" and "Some Strange Religion". The whole album reminds me of frosty November mornings. Because I'm an emo dork.
6. Interpol: Call me a pretentious indie hipster, but they're great. Their music is the kind of music that makes you stand on your bed in your underwear with a hairbrush as a microphone and pretend you're a rockstar. Or maybe that's just me. Their music is smart and, well, hip. If you really want to rock out in your skivvies, "Cmere" and "NARC" are good songs for that.
7. Mike Doughty: The former frontman of Soul Coughing, this guy writes lyrics that you'd want a guy to write for you. His lyrics insinuate that he appreciates the quirky/simple/less-noticed things in life. Every album is golden, but "Haughty Melodic" had to grow on me a little. My favorite songs are "Tremendous Brunettes", "Sunken-Eyed Girl", "Unsingable Name", "Down on the River by the Sugar Plant", "40 Grand in the Hole". Hell, who am I kidding? It's all good, good stuff.
Leave me a comment about some musicians I might not know about. I love new stuff! :)
So I'm supposed to pick seven artists/songs/albums that I've featured in my life recently. I'm going to pick artists since there are probably 10 times as many songs than artists that I could fill this with:
1. The Kelly Deal 6000: You remember Kelly and Kim Deal from The Breeders? Yeah, it's that Kelly Deal. And her stuff is amazing. Some of it is haunting, some of it is fun. This girl can rock. If you rent the movie "May", her song "When He Calls Me Kitten" is featured on it. It's fractured and beautiful, featuring a de-tuned guitar. I also like "Brillo Hunt".
2. My Brightest Diamond: Shana Roberts is the frontwoman for this group, and she has a voice like no other. She studied opera, and it shows. She can go from operatic to squealing and rocking out in no time. I love "Magic Rabbit", "Dragonfly", and "Freak Out" (super fun dance around in your underwear song). This band has pretty much changed my life.
3. The Decemberists: I realize it's slightly dorky to love a band that does sea shanties and songs about whales. But almost all of their songs are stories. And they're amazing live. Colin's voice is amazing, and they feature quirky little things like accordians. Besides, who doesn't love a band where one of the members will do an a capella version of Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" whilst climbing over fallen drums and splayed out guitars after playing a two hour show? I love "Red Right Ankle", "Sons and Daughters", "And Here I Dreamt I Was an Architecht", "Yankee Bayonet", "California One Youth and Beauty Brigade". Hell, pick up any album, and the songs are great.
4. Mark Kozelek: Lead singer of Sun Kil Moon and Red House Painters. If you like sad, slow, autumnal music, you'll like him. "Metropol 47" and "Love at First Feel" are my favorites. Also, "Ocean Breathes Salty" by Sun Kil Moon is fantastic.
5. Mark Lanegan: Former front man of Screaming Trees and QOTSA member, his solo stuff is really amazing. The album "Bubblegum" in particular... it features PJ Harvey on a couple of songs. It's slow, sexy, and he has one of those whiskey and cigarettes voices. My favorite songs are "Methamphetamine Blues," "100 Days" and "Some Strange Religion". The whole album reminds me of frosty November mornings. Because I'm an emo dork.
6. Interpol: Call me a pretentious indie hipster, but they're great. Their music is the kind of music that makes you stand on your bed in your underwear with a hairbrush as a microphone and pretend you're a rockstar. Or maybe that's just me. Their music is smart and, well, hip. If you really want to rock out in your skivvies, "Cmere" and "NARC" are good songs for that.
7. Mike Doughty: The former frontman of Soul Coughing, this guy writes lyrics that you'd want a guy to write for you. His lyrics insinuate that he appreciates the quirky/simple/less-noticed things in life. Every album is golden, but "Haughty Melodic" had to grow on me a little. My favorite songs are "Tremendous Brunettes", "Sunken-Eyed Girl", "Unsingable Name", "Down on the River by the Sugar Plant", "40 Grand in the Hole". Hell, who am I kidding? It's all good, good stuff.
Leave me a comment about some musicians I might not know about. I love new stuff! :)
Friday, April 13, 2007
Beauty Pageants for Six-Year-Olds
My husband and I watched this program last night about beauty pageants for little girls. My husband was horrified. And, really, it was pretty weird, watching these little girls prance around with Texas beauty queen hair and fake teeth. Yes, fake teeth. Little snap-on veneers that cost upwards of $200 that look like grown-up teeth. It's scary. Like that touched-up picture on the internet of the cat with human teeth.
Anyway. Bean came in and said that she wanted to be in a pageant. Absolutely not. No, no, no, no, no. Now, I try to encourage my kid to be into her own thing as she is her own person and doesn't necessarily need to act the way I do and believe in the same things, but I draw a line at pageants. And here's why:
1. Say what you want about it being all in good fun, but there is a definite sexualization of these little girls. I mean, come the hell on. Why in the world does there need to be a swimsuit portion? I think the swimsuit portion of ADULT pageants is eye-roll worthy. What purpose does having these girls prance around in bikinis with their fake tans and Barbie hair and Playmate make-up serve? It's creepy. What's also creepy is that when they're dancing, they make poses that resemble the '40s pin-up girls - tuchus sticking out, hand at their mouth, their mouth in an 'o', eyes wide, as if to say, "Whoopsie!".
2. We adult women bitch all the time about being held to an unrealistic, cookie cutter standard of beauty. But little girls in pageants are being force-fed that same standard. Fake hair, fake teeth, fake tans. All of them are cookie cutters of each other. And the little girls who opt out of the fake teeth and hair teased within an inch of its breaking point, they often walk away with nothing, and that can't feel good. It kind of sends the message, "This is pretty. If you don't look like this, then you lose (in more ways than one)."
3. Women will compete against each other until the end of time. It's often bitchy and cutthroat. Why would I want to introduce my daughter to that at the age of six? On the program I watched, one little girl didn't win anything, and while the girls winning were being crowned or given sashes, she said to her mom, "I look better than them." I really try to instill in Bean that there is so much more to a girl than how she looks, that being the prettiest isn't what it's all about. But pageants do just the opposite, I think.
Here's the thing, too. I think Bean is one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen (biased mom talking). Pretty hair, big brown eyes, adorable. But I wouldn't want to ruin her hair by curling and teasing it. And she has a whole life to cake her face with make-up. She doesn't need that right now.
I guess I don't dislike the idea of kids' pageants. I just wish it could be about cute kids, not making little girls look as grown-up and made-up as possible with the most expensive gowns to see who comes out on top.
Anyway. Bean came in and said that she wanted to be in a pageant. Absolutely not. No, no, no, no, no. Now, I try to encourage my kid to be into her own thing as she is her own person and doesn't necessarily need to act the way I do and believe in the same things, but I draw a line at pageants. And here's why:
1. Say what you want about it being all in good fun, but there is a definite sexualization of these little girls. I mean, come the hell on. Why in the world does there need to be a swimsuit portion? I think the swimsuit portion of ADULT pageants is eye-roll worthy. What purpose does having these girls prance around in bikinis with their fake tans and Barbie hair and Playmate make-up serve? It's creepy. What's also creepy is that when they're dancing, they make poses that resemble the '40s pin-up girls - tuchus sticking out, hand at their mouth, their mouth in an 'o', eyes wide, as if to say, "Whoopsie!".
2. We adult women bitch all the time about being held to an unrealistic, cookie cutter standard of beauty. But little girls in pageants are being force-fed that same standard. Fake hair, fake teeth, fake tans. All of them are cookie cutters of each other. And the little girls who opt out of the fake teeth and hair teased within an inch of its breaking point, they often walk away with nothing, and that can't feel good. It kind of sends the message, "This is pretty. If you don't look like this, then you lose (in more ways than one)."
3. Women will compete against each other until the end of time. It's often bitchy and cutthroat. Why would I want to introduce my daughter to that at the age of six? On the program I watched, one little girl didn't win anything, and while the girls winning were being crowned or given sashes, she said to her mom, "I look better than them." I really try to instill in Bean that there is so much more to a girl than how she looks, that being the prettiest isn't what it's all about. But pageants do just the opposite, I think.
Here's the thing, too. I think Bean is one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen (biased mom talking). Pretty hair, big brown eyes, adorable. But I wouldn't want to ruin her hair by curling and teasing it. And she has a whole life to cake her face with make-up. She doesn't need that right now.
I guess I don't dislike the idea of kids' pageants. I just wish it could be about cute kids, not making little girls look as grown-up and made-up as possible with the most expensive gowns to see who comes out on top.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Being Early
Being early really goes a long way to making me feel.... serene? Put together? Streamlined? Something.
Usually, this is how the morning routine goes. I get up, eat (or work out and then eat), get Bean up, get her breakfast, make sure she knows to get dressed, take a shower, get some coffee, do my makeup, occasionally do my hair, put on lotion, get dressed, brush teeth with Bean, brush her untameable mane, make sure she's got her lunch and homework folder, make sure all lights are off, heat is turned down, doors are locked, and then it's off to school. We always manage to be behind the eight ball. Always. Even when I get up 15 minutes early, I still am rushing, rushing, rushing. I usually get her to school after the first bell and BARELY before the tardy bell. And then I catch the army base's traffic, and by that point, I'm irritable.
Well, after an unfortunate incident earlier this week where, being so busy and scattered, signals got crossed, and as parents, Steve and I were not where we needed to be when we needed to be there concerning Bean's school, I decided I'd had enough. I was going to get my shit together. Get it streamlined. Be more organized.
Today I did all of the things mentioned above (with the exception of doing my hair), including working out, AND I made Bean's lunch this morning rather than lastnight. And we made it out the door 10 minutes early! We even took a longer way to school because the way we usually go is full of construction and the most inept flagmen/'slow' sign holders of all time, and they made us late this week. And I was able to walk Bean through the playground to her class door and say goodbye rather than kissing her quickly and throwing her down the hall to class like I normally do so she won't be late.
And I felt such relief. I even made it to work 5 minutes early. It's so much easier in the longrun to be early. I know I have had 24 years to figure this out, but I'm a slow learner.
Usually, this is how the morning routine goes. I get up, eat (or work out and then eat), get Bean up, get her breakfast, make sure she knows to get dressed, take a shower, get some coffee, do my makeup, occasionally do my hair, put on lotion, get dressed, brush teeth with Bean, brush her untameable mane, make sure she's got her lunch and homework folder, make sure all lights are off, heat is turned down, doors are locked, and then it's off to school. We always manage to be behind the eight ball. Always. Even when I get up 15 minutes early, I still am rushing, rushing, rushing. I usually get her to school after the first bell and BARELY before the tardy bell. And then I catch the army base's traffic, and by that point, I'm irritable.
Well, after an unfortunate incident earlier this week where, being so busy and scattered, signals got crossed, and as parents, Steve and I were not where we needed to be when we needed to be there concerning Bean's school, I decided I'd had enough. I was going to get my shit together. Get it streamlined. Be more organized.
Today I did all of the things mentioned above (with the exception of doing my hair), including working out, AND I made Bean's lunch this morning rather than lastnight. And we made it out the door 10 minutes early! We even took a longer way to school because the way we usually go is full of construction and the most inept flagmen/'slow' sign holders of all time, and they made us late this week. And I was able to walk Bean through the playground to her class door and say goodbye rather than kissing her quickly and throwing her down the hall to class like I normally do so she won't be late.
And I felt such relief. I even made it to work 5 minutes early. It's so much easier in the longrun to be early. I know I have had 24 years to figure this out, but I'm a slow learner.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Funky
I've been having a really hard time, lately, with my mood. I'm waking up every day dreading work, dreading the commute, dreading opening my e-mail.
And it's starting to spill over. It's affecting the way I deal with other people. Seems like I mostly just want to curl up on the couch, watch movies, and be left alone. But I can't exactly do that. There's quite a bit going on in my life, not bad, but just things, and I don't even feel like sharing. I kind of feel like it doesn't matter, and that no one cares. As if that's not enough, I'm finding it really difficult to react to things the way I 'should'. Like, I have a hard time getting excited with people. I have a hard time empathizing and crying with people. It's like I'm on autopilot.
Emo and whiny, I know. And I don't have any reason to feel like this. Nothing bad has happened.
I don't quite know how I slipped into this funk. And I'm really hoping I'll slip out of it as quickly and quietly as I slipped into it.
And it's starting to spill over. It's affecting the way I deal with other people. Seems like I mostly just want to curl up on the couch, watch movies, and be left alone. But I can't exactly do that. There's quite a bit going on in my life, not bad, but just things, and I don't even feel like sharing. I kind of feel like it doesn't matter, and that no one cares. As if that's not enough, I'm finding it really difficult to react to things the way I 'should'. Like, I have a hard time getting excited with people. I have a hard time empathizing and crying with people. It's like I'm on autopilot.
Emo and whiny, I know. And I don't have any reason to feel like this. Nothing bad has happened.
I don't quite know how I slipped into this funk. And I'm really hoping I'll slip out of it as quickly and quietly as I slipped into it.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
'Are you okay?'
Don't you hate this question?
Or, rather, don't you hate this question (or some version of it) when you're feeling perfectly fine with a full night's sleep? It implies that you look like shit.
This is how it happened to me this morning:
Co-worker: Rough night? Or morning?
Me: Um, neither, actually. But thanks anyway, though.
Co-worker: Oh. I just thought - well, you usually have make-up on.
Me: I do have make-up on.
Co-worker: Oh. Usually it's more... obvious. (trying to remove foot from mouth) I put on a LOT of make-up today to cover up. I swear, it looked like my husband gave me two black eyes.
Me: *insert starey face here*
So, here's what I get from this. I usually wear a lot of make-up. And, not only do I look like the undead without make-up (which I already know, and that's okay), but without eyeliner or a good cake-like under eye concealer, I also look like death. YAY!
Or, rather, don't you hate this question (or some version of it) when you're feeling perfectly fine with a full night's sleep? It implies that you look like shit.
This is how it happened to me this morning:
Co-worker: Rough night? Or morning?
Me: Um, neither, actually. But thanks anyway, though.
Co-worker: Oh. I just thought - well, you usually have make-up on.
Me: I do have make-up on.
Co-worker: Oh. Usually it's more... obvious. (trying to remove foot from mouth) I put on a LOT of make-up today to cover up. I swear, it looked like my husband gave me two black eyes.
Me: *insert starey face here*
So, here's what I get from this. I usually wear a lot of make-up. And, not only do I look like the undead without make-up (which I already know, and that's okay), but without eyeliner or a good cake-like under eye concealer, I also look like death. YAY!
Monday, April 2, 2007
The only problem with being nominated...
... is that you have to accept. I was nominated for the Thinking Bloggers award by my dearest Badger. I don't necessarily think I deserve is as my blog is mostly a bunch of kvetching and moaning and incessant droning on and on about nothing. But, thanks, chica! :) So part of my nomination deal is that I'm supposed to pass it on to five other bloggers. I actually think that most of my choices were nominated already, so I'll just nominate whomever I love to read based on... well, it's arbitrary, so here goes:
So, yeah, phew! Let's hope this all linked correctly. I'm slow.
Blogspot hates my guts, so I'm just linking you. I've been trying forever, and it's just not happening.
I'm going to go ahead and nominate That Chick Over There at http://jasonfortheloveofgod.blogspot.com. She makes me laugh harder than almost anyone. And she's probably one of the kindest, most sincere people I've ever not met. :) And the woman can seriously write.
M over at http://2under2whoknew.blogspot.com. She's funny and silly and juggling the woes of pregnancy with a little guy running all over. She's creative with her child wrangling, and she's just awesome.
Brown Eyed Girl at http://putthefunindysfunctional.blogspot.com. If you want to get a peek into the life of an insanely strong woman, check out her blog. This lady can handle everything that's dished out to her, and she still has a superb sense of humor. She's awesome. (Have I said 'awesome' enough yet?)
Gerbil over at http://theresapenguinonthetelly.blogspot.com is one of the wittiest women I've ever had the pleasure of reading. :) The hilarity that ensues in her daily life is totally worth a look.
I'm not sure if it's a rule or whatever, but even if it is, I'm going to re-nominate Badgergirl at http://pardontheeggsalad.blogspot.com. She rocks so hard in your face! And if there's anyone in the world I'd go into a book trade with, it'd be this girl.
So, yeah, phew! Let's hope this all linked correctly. I'm slow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
