It's out in the open now, and okay to blog about it.

So I found out a week ago that I am not, in fact, the oldest child. I have an older half-brother out there who I have never met, who I didn't know existed.

My dad told me that he dated a woman before my mother who had gotten pregnant. But she'd been a stripper, and he'd heard things from his friends about her that hinted that the child might very well not be his. So he stopped hearing from her. And they last spoke when my mom was pregnant with me and when my dad and my mom were about to get married.

I'm not sure why he finally, after a quarter of a century, decided to find out for sure. But he found this guy, Dennis. And they took a paternity test. Dennis is my dad's son, and my older half brother.

When my dad told me, I wasn't upset. When he asked if I was sitting down, I thought someone was dying. This is obviously a surprise, but it's not something I'm upset or angry about.

I am, however, irritated with my dad's behavior back then. Those excuses (and that's what they are, excuses) are very similar to the flimsy excuses Javier gave for not finding out for sure if Bean was his child. I've been Dennis's mom. And it's incredibly hurtful. She chose not to further contact him. Or try. I'm not really sure. I made that same choice, also. It hurts when the father of your child doesn't seem to care enough to even find out for sure. I guess I held my dad to a higher standard, and more than anything, I'm shocked that he could live so much of his life with this uncertainty hanging over him.

Knowing how hard it has been (and still is) for me, I can sympathize with Dennis's mom. I can imagine how she probably felt. Granted, she opted to tell her son that his father was dead rather than reveal the truth, but I know about that sinking feeling in your heart when you realize that your choices have caused a domino effect that will continue to impact your child for the rest of their life.

So there will be an extra chair at Christmas dinner this year, and I'm actually pretty excited to meet him. And, from what I hear, he's interested in getting to know this part of his biological family.

So, sufficed to say...

... I gave up on the Eight Belles post. It still burns me up to think about horse racing in general. And anyone who knows me who may be reading this pretty much knows that I want to punch all jockeys and "trainers" square in the balls. 'Nuff said, I suppose.

I haven't been in a posting and commenting mood lately. Or a position to do so, really. I'm trying to use whatever creative tendencies I have left for work. I've hit a breakthrough, and now I have all of these ideas that I'm really excited about, that I will continue to work on.

A lot of this surge of excitement and creativity has come from a recent work trip out of state. It was like summer camp. I was really reluctant to leave my family for 9 days, but I was busy while I was away. And I met some really amazing, amazing people. And then I was bummed I couldn't bring them back home with me. A lot of these people are enthusiastic about what they do, creative, excited. And it rubbed off on me.

So forgive me if I don't come around much. I haven't been this excited about work in, well, ever.

I love meeting new people.