It's out in the open now, and okay to blog about it.

So I found out a week ago that I am not, in fact, the oldest child. I have an older half-brother out there who I have never met, who I didn't know existed.

My dad told me that he dated a woman before my mother who had gotten pregnant. But she'd been a stripper, and he'd heard things from his friends about her that hinted that the child might very well not be his. So he stopped hearing from her. And they last spoke when my mom was pregnant with me and when my dad and my mom were about to get married.

I'm not sure why he finally, after a quarter of a century, decided to find out for sure. But he found this guy, Dennis. And they took a paternity test. Dennis is my dad's son, and my older half brother.

When my dad told me, I wasn't upset. When he asked if I was sitting down, I thought someone was dying. This is obviously a surprise, but it's not something I'm upset or angry about.

I am, however, irritated with my dad's behavior back then. Those excuses (and that's what they are, excuses) are very similar to the flimsy excuses Javier gave for not finding out for sure if Bean was his child. I've been Dennis's mom. And it's incredibly hurtful. She chose not to further contact him. Or try. I'm not really sure. I made that same choice, also. It hurts when the father of your child doesn't seem to care enough to even find out for sure. I guess I held my dad to a higher standard, and more than anything, I'm shocked that he could live so much of his life with this uncertainty hanging over him.

Knowing how hard it has been (and still is) for me, I can sympathize with Dennis's mom. I can imagine how she probably felt. Granted, she opted to tell her son that his father was dead rather than reveal the truth, but I know about that sinking feeling in your heart when you realize that your choices have caused a domino effect that will continue to impact your child for the rest of their life.

So there will be an extra chair at Christmas dinner this year, and I'm actually pretty excited to meet him. And, from what I hear, he's interested in getting to know this part of his biological family.

So, sufficed to say...

... I gave up on the Eight Belles post. It still burns me up to think about horse racing in general. And anyone who knows me who may be reading this pretty much knows that I want to punch all jockeys and "trainers" square in the balls. 'Nuff said, I suppose.

I haven't been in a posting and commenting mood lately. Or a position to do so, really. I'm trying to use whatever creative tendencies I have left for work. I've hit a breakthrough, and now I have all of these ideas that I'm really excited about, that I will continue to work on.

A lot of this surge of excitement and creativity has come from a recent work trip out of state. It was like summer camp. I was really reluctant to leave my family for 9 days, but I was busy while I was away. And I met some really amazing, amazing people. And then I was bummed I couldn't bring them back home with me. A lot of these people are enthusiastic about what they do, creative, excited. And it rubbed off on me.

So forgive me if I don't come around much. I haven't been this excited about work in, well, ever.

I love meeting new people.

Eat me, Blogspot

I just had this really awesome blog/rant worked up about Eight Belles and horse racing and animal breeding in general, and blogger ate half of it.

*sigh*

Maybe this afternoon.

We might be screwed.

So I'm looking out my office window (yes, I'm blogging from work, but I'm caught up, so I'm allowed), and it's snowing. When I walked in, co-worker was all, "Isn't this great? Is it a relief for Hubs?"

Actually, no. It's not. It's snowing here, but out at Hubs' job, it's still dry as a bone. Their lake is completely drained. They don't know when they'll get water next. If it doesn't rain by tomorrow, we're kind of screwed.

Let me explain why. When you are growing new grass, when the grass seed is germinating, it MUST stay wet regularly. Or it dies. It dies, and you have to start over. Hubs' lake at work ran out of water the night before last. So, all of this snow I see out my window right now doesn't mean shit if it doesn't happen out where my husband works.

I actually just spoke to him. Since I hit the 'enter' key to make a new paragraph. Some dark clouds are rolling in, so my fingers are crossed. And my toes.

Even if it does rain, I am so livid with his job's new owners and managment company. They've been putting the cart before the horse for nearly a year. They've been making elaborate plans for a clubhouse and restaurant, and not looking at the big picture. The big picture being, if there is no golf course, there will be no restaurant. (So, I gave it away. Hubs works at a golf course, and they've been re-designing/rebuilding it for nearly a year.)

Hubs' best friend (and boss) has tried to tell these people over and over and over that the leaking lake is a HUGE problem when that is the source of all the water they use for the greens. Finally, they broke it down like this: "No one will want to buy expensive homes on a dead golf course that they can't use that has a dried up, stinky nasty lake!"

You see, the new owners are developers. They are the most evil of the evil. When they were being told, "Hey, we can't water in greens with no water", they didn't care. They didn't take any action knowing that these guys who have worked so hard all this time (Hubs has been there for 10 years, almost) were going to get laid off. The lightbulb only turned on when they realized that they'd lose tons of money. The golfcourse is secondary to them. The homes they'll build are primary. The golfcourse is a plus because they can sell the overpriced homes for even more money, they'll get richer, they can afford a third Bentley, and an even newer set of tits for their wives.

The owners/managers told the guys to get estimates on what it would cost to line the lake with PVC or whatever. $600k. And they can't do it until winter when the ground is at its hardest. They also got an estimate for a chemical they can put in that water to slow the leakage, and it will work about 60% better than what is happening right now. $98k. So, obviously, the chemical is the best option. However, there is no fucking water to put the fucking chemical in! And they don't know when they'll be able to fill the lake again! The greens could die between now and then! There's a good chance they will!

I am so tired of my husband working so hard for so little money, no one listens to him, and they get by on the skin of their teeth constantly. It's awful. And it's stressful. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting, checking my bank account every day for our 'economic stimulus package' because I'm afraid we'll have to live off of it for a while. But the IRS hasn't deposited my checks (since we owed, of course), so I don't anticipate it happening any time soon.

I don't really hate anyone, but these new owners.... I think I might hate them.

Uncomfortable

So, at my evening job, I work with this girl. She's 21, she's funny, we get along really well. And most of the time she's pretty great.

But she hates kids. I mean, she hates them. She gets freaked out by carrying the high chairs or cleaning them off. In her defense, cleaning those things is pretty freaking disgusting. Mashed food in the straps. *gag* But she's really visibly freaked out by children. The other day, we had clean day at the pub (which, by the way, is also disgusting. Did you know people can spill beer over ten feet up on the wall? Yeah.), and one of the managers brought her 4 year-old. This girl kept moving away from this little kid like she was diseased. She also has a shirt with a little boy and girl on it that reads "I hate children".

You know what? She's 100% entitled to her feelings and opinions. That's fine. That's one less hungry mouth to feed in the world, one less consumer gobbling up resources like it's an Olympic sport, since she won't be creating any new life. And I get that some people just don't like children. I don't like all children. That's totally fine and reasonable.

But it makes me really uncomfortable when she's so vocal about her hatred for children. She even made a comment once about my (very polite, respectful, clean and well-behaved) child. For example, it would be like someone going on and on to my friend about how much they can't stand Asian people when my friend happens to be married to an Asian man. It's offensive.

So instead of putting on my big girl panties and saying just that, saying, "You're being offensive. Cut it out, man", I make sure that all the families with small children are seated in her section of the pub.