When you don't fit.

I have always kind of felt like I don't fit in one way or another. I've always felt kind of awkward and out of place. I still do, sometimes.

Lately, it's been overwhelming, and I've all but shut myself off completely from anyone not related to me. I don't get together with my Quinn's friends, didn't go to the holiday party, I put my headphones in during my day job and just tune everyone out.

I think a lot of it has to do with mothering. When my daughter was small, none of my friends had kids. And they didn't want to hang out anymore, really, because I was suddenly in another class. I didn't belong. And we lacked things in common. And the women I would run into who did have little ones my age were usually older, and they didn't really want much to do with having a teenage mother as a friend.

Now that my daughter is older, and I'm pretty sure I'm done having babies (yes, I realize I only have one child), all of my friends are having babies. Or they have very young children. And I feel... irrelevant. Not that I don't matter to them. But when I give advice or talk about my experiences (to try and find a common topic), I wonder if they think, "Well, that was AGES ago. It's hardly relevant now."

And I still don't feel like I fit with my childless friends because even though my daughter is older, I'm not childless. We have completely different life paths, and I feel so out of touch.

I feel like my friends are becoming members to a club that I was kicked out of when my Bean started kindergarten.