I've been in this kind of low-level panicked mode the past few days. Constant upset stomach, on the verge of tears.
Hubs and I are not renewing our current lease when it's up. We want to buy a house. However, we'll be trying to get 100% financing. That, paired with having the taxes rolled into the monthly payment, severely limits what we're able to afford. We don't want to live in a crappy neighborhood, and we don't want to live in a home the size of a shoebox. So we're really limited to one particular area of town. It's near where we live now, and the idea of it makes me absolutely miserable.
I was really hoping to get away from the Walmart. And the water and sanitation plant. And the army base. And the two sets of train tracks. I'm panicked at the thought of trying to re-sell in this area in 4 or 5 years because it's not a super desirable area. It's been hard coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to feel like I settled. If it was up to Hubs, he'd probably live 5 minutes from his mom for the rest of his life. But it's so far away from everything. I wish we could afford to live in a different neighborhood. But the home prices are super inflated compared to the average income in this town.
Which leads me to my job. I'm completely unhappy with it right now. I feel like people here don't have any faith in my ability to do anything even remotely creative or difficult. I'm quiet, so I'm not constantly brown-nosing my way into a better position, but if someone asked me, "Hey, can you come up with an idea for this?", I'd really give it a shot. I would try. I get the feeling that they see me as some sort of mental midget, too. I'd leave, but we're trying to buy a home this fall, and really, this is the town of very little opportunity.
I'm feeling really trapped by life right now, and it's giving me palpitations. And not in the fun way. I feel bad saying that, too, because I love Hubs. And I love Bean. I just... feel strangled.
Maybe it's just PMS.
3 comments:
I know the timing's not awesome -- the most opposite of awesome you can get, actually -- but I think a new job would be a really good thing. This place has been jerking you around for far too long, and I really REALLY want to kick their asses on your behalf. :P
That said, please let me know when you guys get ready to start looking for a house. I am all ready to squee!
Finally, I have found out that another person in my blogroll is a diehard Mike Doughty fan: http://nancypearlwannabe.com/blog/?p=635
xo!
I think you seriously need to step out and find a different job. You absolutely need something that makes you happier.
I don't know if you ever listened to Smashing Pumpkins back when you were a young 'un - prob far too mainstream! - but recently, I've had the lines 'Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage' rattling endlessly about my skull.
In other words, I hear you.
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