It's out in the open now, and okay to blog about it.

So I found out a week ago that I am not, in fact, the oldest child. I have an older half-brother out there who I have never met, who I didn't know existed.

My dad told me that he dated a woman before my mother who had gotten pregnant. But she'd been a stripper, and he'd heard things from his friends about her that hinted that the child might very well not be his. So he stopped hearing from her. And they last spoke when my mom was pregnant with me and when my dad and my mom were about to get married.

I'm not sure why he finally, after a quarter of a century, decided to find out for sure. But he found this guy, Dennis. And they took a paternity test. Dennis is my dad's son, and my older half brother.

When my dad told me, I wasn't upset. When he asked if I was sitting down, I thought someone was dying. This is obviously a surprise, but it's not something I'm upset or angry about.

I am, however, irritated with my dad's behavior back then. Those excuses (and that's what they are, excuses) are very similar to the flimsy excuses Javier gave for not finding out for sure if Bean was his child. I've been Dennis's mom. And it's incredibly hurtful. She chose not to further contact him. Or try. I'm not really sure. I made that same choice, also. It hurts when the father of your child doesn't seem to care enough to even find out for sure. I guess I held my dad to a higher standard, and more than anything, I'm shocked that he could live so much of his life with this uncertainty hanging over him.

Knowing how hard it has been (and still is) for me, I can sympathize with Dennis's mom. I can imagine how she probably felt. Granted, she opted to tell her son that his father was dead rather than reveal the truth, but I know about that sinking feeling in your heart when you realize that your choices have caused a domino effect that will continue to impact your child for the rest of their life.

So there will be an extra chair at Christmas dinner this year, and I'm actually pretty excited to meet him. And, from what I hear, he's interested in getting to know this part of his biological family.