So.
I got pregnant my senior year of high school. And if that's not enough, when I was seven months pregnant, barely graduated, the guy I cared about, the father of my child, accused me of getting pregnant on purpose and/or lying about the paternity of my child. It rocked my world. I cried so hard that night I can't believe I didn't throw up. I think I knew that I wasn't going to hear from him again. And I didn't. Not when I had her, not her first Christmas. No birthday or holiday after that.
When I realized, fully, for the first time, without naivete, that he wasn't coming back, that we weren't going to raise our daughter together, it was soul-crushing. To this day, it's still one of the most heart-rending experiences of my life. I still feel it like it was yesterday. Unless you've experienced it, you have no idea how worthless it makes you feel to know that even doing the most important thing you'll ever do, nourishing a life that someone else helped you create, that that is not enough to make that person take your phone call.
A little over seven years passed (seven years and two and-a-half months, to be exact) since the last conversation I had with Bean's biological father when I was pregnant to when he called me at work a couple of weeks ago. It was a conversation I'd long given up having, and I was totally unprepared. All of the little mock diatribes I'd worked over in my head over the years just would.not.come to me, and I cried. I cried so hard that afterward, I was embarrassed for being so outwardly emotional at my office.
And since then, this is pretty much all I think about when I'm quiet. Whenever I'm done thinking about the things I have to think about, when there's a moment's peace and quiet, this creeps in. Seven years ago creeps in. This recent conversation creeps in. And with it comes all of the times I ever thought "what if" about my life.
I feel guilty thinking "what if", but I guess it's natural. I am happy where I am now, but I can't help but wonder what if I hadn't had to go through all that. What if I didn't have to explain to Bean what a biological father is? What if I hadn't had to shell out nearly $200 a month for health care for her? What if I never had to worry about explaining to her one day the details of why her biological father never saw her?
Luckily I have a husband who loves me because of, not in spite of, my neuroses that has come from all of this. All my insecurities, my neediness, my rotten self-esteem, he takes it all in stride.
All of these paragraphs above, however, are probably not helping things. I've been making this whole situation too much about me. How does hearing from him make me feel? It hurts me to re-live all this crap I've pushed down and tucked away for seven years. Me, me, me. Even though it is, to some degree, about me, it's more about my daughter. It's about trying to guess about what she'll want in the future. It's about trying to find the path that will cause the least resentment and pain for her down the road.
Anyway. Even though he was supposed to call me back, I have a sneaking suspicion I won't hear from him again. And that makes me so sad for Bean. I wanted to be able to give her the information she needs when she decides one day that she wants to talk to him, that she has questions. I hate thinking that now I'll have to explain to her one day why he wasn't around and that he didn't keep in touch with me so that she could contact him when the time was right.
But you can't force someone, right?
I wish you could. I wish I would've had the know-how and the tools to make him accountable the first time around. I wish I would've been smarter, tried harder. Not a holiday or birthday has gone by that I haven't wondered where he is and if he ever thought about her, and I hate that I'll keep on wondering that now. (Wow, me me me again.)
They both missed out on so much. And it's not fair.
5 comments:
You know, HE missed out on so much. Your precious little girl DID NOT. Because she has you. And you? Are awesome.
Hi, I found your blog through "that chick over there", and I was so struck by the emotion in this post. I have a similar story, only I was older when I got pregnant with my son, and I chose to cut his dad out of my life during the pregnancy. Afterward, though, I tried to do the right thing by contacting the father and letting him be a part of my son's life, but he had no interest. I still think most of his lack of interest was about ME, moreso than about the child. I don't know anymore. That was 17 years ago.
Anyway. Your daughter has you, and I can already tell, that's a good thing. Her dad made his decision. It's sad for your daughter, in a way, but I'm guessing that in the end, she'll see the situation for what it is. And she'll realize that she really didn't miss out on anything, because she had you.
The thing is, you really can only speak for yourself, so fair enough.
This is such a powerful post--when strong emotion is presented clearly and straightforwardly, it packs such a punch.
The tragedy here is his inability to step up. Crudass.
I'm still pissy over what he did, this time and the first time. GRR.
You and Bean both deserve soooo much more.
H-m-m...as I have told you before, your daughter is a beauty; intelligent, gorgeous, polite, considerate and loving - all a reflection of her mom.
It also takes a real man to step in and be the "daddy" - the one that will be there through all of her tears and joy - you know, the growing up process.
She WILL figure it all out one day - I did. You will have some rough spots and when all is said and done she will look back over things and realize what the two of you have done for her. It may take her being out on her own, but she will realize it....
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