Judged

I guess that, aside from the hectic holidays, the reason that I haven't been as interested in blogging these days is because I feel judged. Not here. In other areas of my life.

The thing is, no one has said, "Wow, you suck. You're wrong." But I feel it. Don't worry, it's not you. It's me. And this is one instance where that might actually be the truth.

Unless you're a mother, you cannot imagine mother's guilt. It's crushing and overwhelming. And I feel like people think I'm a lackluster mom. Maybe because I feel like I've done a subpar job.

Do you ever wish you could rewind your life? Keep it pretty much the same? But tweak a few things?

I do.

Lately I've been living in a constant state of "If I knew then what I know now, I could've been a much better mom." And some days I would give anything to go back and do things over.

Does it have something to do with knowing that I most likely had one shot at this mom thing, and I didn't fully appreciate it? That I didn't take full advantage of it? Probably.

Well, you can have another baby and do it differently, you say. No, I don't think so. I'd feel like I was jipping Bean. That's a huge part of why I don't think I want another child. I can't stand the thought of Bean one day thinking that I loved her younger sibling more than I loved her.

So. Yeah.