Spectacular Loser

I can't stand it when people bitch about their jobs constantly. But I think I'm turning into one of those people. This is my only work bitch blog for the week. I'm limiting myself:

With my supervisor having one foot out the door, things have been weird around the office. So, yesterday, my co-worker T asked me to read her resumé. I know she's going to school for a different line of work, so I asked, "Looking for another job?" Ordinarily, I'd never ask a question like that, but she and I are kind of friends, so it was okay.

She informed me that she's applying for my supervisor's job. So she'd be my supervisor. Sort of. With more responsibility and quite a bit more pay. And I found myself really depressed.

I'm not hating on T, either. I'm hating on myself. Because I could never even DREAM of applying for that job. Our executive director would laugh. Mostly I'm upset because it's become increasingly clear that I am a computer monkey. I am not an integral part of the company, and the bossman has no desire for me to move up. Or over. Or anything. I'm constantly being passed up to do things that would REALLLLY look great on my resumé.

I'm really miserable right now, and I'm tired of feeling like a spectacular loser every day, but I feel dependent on this dead-end job due to its flexibility. That's the only thing keeping me here, really.

Here's the thing. I'm fucking smart. I am. I know it. And, snobby as it might sound, I sometimes think I'm too fucking smart for this job. And I cringe knowing that people would whisper about how much potential I had before I ended up a pregnant senior in high school. Maybe setting my sights so low has made them right about me.

And then came the conversation with T that absolutely wounded me. She said it wasn't that I couldn't do the job, but that I don't have "drive or passion" about anything in the office. I wanted to scream at her, "And you do?!?! You're going to school to get out of this freaking place and do something you love!"

Here's the thing. I can have drive. And passion. But I don't come up with changes to implement here on my own because I feel like it's not my place. Now, if someone gives me an idea or a request, with a little direction, I can totally take it and run with it. But no one thinks enough of me to give me that sort of responsibility.

*sigh*

Do you know that there are people who are paid to blog? Yeah. I think that's my goal in life. I'm sure I could come up with TONS to talk about if I was financially motivated to do so. And I love writing. And I could be a stay-at-home mom. Being a SAHM would be awesome. I'd be my own CEO. And I'd never get passed up for promotions because no one else can be Mommy. And I like that. No one else can be Bean's mommy. And I'd get to pick her up and drop her off every day. And be more involved with her school.

Too bad that's not in the cards. I could totally deal with that.